Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Open Letters From The Couch

Dear Lifetime: Television For Women,
Why do you put colons in so many of your movie titles? Don't try to deny it: you know you do. Sometimes you don't, but then you use commas and give away the whole plot instead. I was going to watch "Wife, Mother, Murderer", but why bother?

P.S. Please tell Judith Light that I loved her in "Against Their Will: Women In Prison."

Dear Dr. Phil,
Let me just start out by saying that I've been a moderate fan of yours since you broke away from Oprah and started your own show, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I like it when you say "How's that working for you?", and "This relationship needs a hero." When you started promoting your first book, I wasn't tempted to buy it, but I didn't doubt that "Relationship Rescue" could help that man who yells at his kids, and that mom whose daughter thinks she dresses too sexy. But Dr. Phil, you had Star Jones Reynolds on your show to promote her new book and talk about how she learned to love herself, and I just can't get past that. I'm not saying it's totally over between us, but I need some time to think.

Dear Sci Fi Channel,
You make so much more sense on Vicodin.

Dear Spanish Channel,
I don't speak Spanish. If I did, would I think that chubby man who wears shorts with suspenders and has painted freckles and a beanie and that other guy who hits him over the head are funny?

P.S. My husband doesn't speak Spanish, and he thinks they're funny.

Dear Discovery Health Channel,
Please don't show someone getting a large tumor removed from his leg less than 24 hours after I've had knee surgery. Thanks!

P.S. You are gross.

Dear Books On The Coffee Table,
Please don't take it personally that I'm not hanging out with you guys right now. I think you are awesome! It's because you are so great that I'm not reading you. No, I'm serious. I want to be able to understand you, and I don't think I'm capable of that right now. Talk to me next week, after the narcotics are out of my system.

Dear Home Ice Therapy Unit,
You are cold and full of ice. You would still be nice at twice the price!

Dear Vicodin,
What was with that ice therapy rhyme?

Dear Steve,
Thank you for getting me my favorite soup 10 times even though the restaurant is several miles away. I love you. Now please go get me some more soup.

10 comments:

Maman said...

Dearest Em,

Oh, How I Wish I Could Be There To Take Care Of You: A Distant Mother's Lament!

But, since I can't be, I'm so grateful for Stuvey and (in no particular order after that) A Home Ice Therapy Unit, Prescription Narcotics, Soup, The Distractions of Cable Television, Blogging ... and Your Exceedingly Clever Brain, Which Has Given Me So Much Joy for More Than Three Decades Now.

Love From: Guess Who

AzĂșcar said...

I speaka da spanish, and allow me to assure you:
THEY ARE HILARIOUS

c jane said...

Dear Emmie,
Saw more of you in the Joseph out-takes. I saw you dancing. I saw you talking to Parley P. Pratt. I am a huge fan (of yours).
Get well soon, so you can watch less tv and get on to the acting!
Bravo!

~j. said...

No doubt, Dr. Phil. Star Jones looks like an alien - almost as much as the Olsen twins do. NOT inspiring.

Emily said...

Re: C Jane's Comment:
I loved the Joseph Smith movie and thought you were great. But there should have been more of you. Outtakes Schmouttakes.

Emmie said...

Maman,
I miss you. Your brain is my brain's hero!

Carina,
I trust your assurance.
P.S. What about that guy in the spandex bug costume?

C Jane,
Thank you so much! I hope the party was fun - I wish I coulda been there. P.S. Per your Lego/Bajio blog - I think your writing definitely qualifies, because it gives other people such pleasure, and "if ye have done it unto the least of these . . ." Know what I'm sayin'?

Jenny,
She DOES look like an alien. And her motto on her website is: "I am the author of the only dictionary that defines me." Um, what?

Emily,
I knew I liked you . . . Seriously, thank you, and I'm glad you liked the movie! Maybe some day they'll be an extended version. With zany comical outtakes!

Kiki said...

The last time I was so doped up that all I could do was watch TV was in 1994 when I got my wisdom teeth out. (It was a week before my high school graduation.) There was THE MOST AWESOME music video countdown EVER on MTV. I think it was the top 100 videos of the 80s (in the middle of the 90s?!) because I salivated over videos from The Smiths, The Cure, Soft Cell, Human League, Information Society, etc. I also felt a strong kinship with the Ramone's song, "I Wanna Be Sedated". I'm a little saddened by what you have had to watch. MTV will never have entire video countdowns for drugged out surgery survivors to recuperate on. However, on VH-1's channel that's on satellite and very extended cable last night was the Eurythmic's Storytellers. IT WAS DIVINE!

Jannah said...

Just be grateful that you aren't condemned to Teletubbies or Barney because it's the only thing that keeps your toddler from screaming!

Also, to jump subjects, I would like to take a moment to mourn the passing of Shelley Winters (star of the great epic "Initiation of Sarah")
I was a little dissappointed to see that Lifetime did not air any tributes to her.

Layt said...

Ahem.

Emmie said...

Jannah,
But I held a private tribute to her in my heart.

Layt,
Fairly accurate. Except that Steve doesn't have a mustache.