Wednesday, May 17, 2006

The Misanthrope and Her Pool

This just in: Money can buy happiness!

For the past week I've been spending a great deal of quality time with my latest (and perhaps greatest) purchase. Allow me to introduce you!

I call her AJ for short. I strap her around my waist, and hop into the pool. She keeps my head above water in the deep end so I can exercise without any knee stress. She is truly the loveliest of inventions!

I've been slipping into the pool around 4pm every day. The apartment complex is quiet, the sun is low, and there's usually a lovely, water-rippling breeze. Often, two or three bunnies come to keep me company; hopping around on the grass near the gate. I know I look completely ridiculous; my swimcapped head bobbing along the surface of the water, but I don't care. It feels fantastic, and I get a lot of good thinking done to boot!

Until yesterday. As I took my first step down into the deep end, I heard the squeak of a sliding glass door. Glancing up, I saw a man peering down at me from his balcony.

"Just jump in! It won't be so cold if you just jump in!"

I gave him a courtesy smile, and continued my slow descent.

"Seriously, just jump! It can't be that cold!"

"It's pretty cold."

"Aw, come on! It's not as cold as the ocean! Why don't you get a full wetsuit? Then you wouldn't be so cold!"

At this point, I decided on the "if I'm not looking at you then you're not there" approach. It worked for about 5 seconds.

"See, it's not so cold, is it?? Ya shoulda just jumped in!"

I began my laps. Five minutes later, I looked up, and he was still there, staring down at me.

"How is it now? You're used to it now, I bet! Not so cold now, is it!"

Today, I managed to make it into the pool with no sign of Mr. Balcony. Just as I was breathing a sigh of relief, I heard:


Looking up at Mr. Balcony's balcony, I saw a girl staring down at me.

Two minutes later, the girl appeared at the gate wearing her swimsuit and carrying a large red inner tube.

"Hey! I forgot my key! Can you get out and let me in?"

She grabbed the gate and shook it. As I stared up at her, an elderly gentleman with keys walked by, and let her in.

"Hey, is it cold in there? I bet it's cold!"

"It's a little cold."

"I guess I better just jump in, then!"

She and her inner tube came hurtling towards me, landing almost on top of me with a gigantic splash.

"Awesome! It's not cold! It feels totally warm! It's not EVEN cold!"

The elderly gentleman peered at us through the gate.

For the next twenty minutes, she shrieked and splashed as if she were playing with a school of friendly dolphins, all the while exclaiming:

"It's WARM in here! It's not EVEN cold! Not EVEN!"

She swam closer and closer until she was diving and paddling mere inches from me. At one point, she strapped on some goggles and put her face in the water, staring straight at my stomach.

"Hey! What's that thing around your waist? Why are you wearing that thing?"

The elderly gentleman, who had disappeared at some point, came back and peered at me through the gate.

What will happen tomorrow, I wonder? Will I meet the rest of the impressively warm-blooded Balcony family? Will the elderly gentleman throw on a pair of trunks and join us? Will my AquaJogger be an effective device with which to pummel people over the head? Repeatedly?

I may not know the answers to these questions, but I'll tell you this much: when I am rich, I will have my own pool. Balconies and red inner tubes will be prohibited, as will peering, elderly gentlemen.

And my pool will be heated. It won't be cold. Not EVEN!


Geo said...

Do keep the bunnies though. At least they're good company.

Kiki said...

On behalf of unstrange people everywhere, Emmie, we feel for you. We have all had our Mr. Balcony who couldn't buy himself a clue if clues were given away to him by the gross. We're all familiar with peering old man. He's the same one who shakes his fist at people who walk past him as he's walking along the sidewalk because they are walking TOO FAST! And we all just feel sorry for the red innertube girl because she grows up to become the girl version of her dad, Mr. Balcony.

Emmie said...

I will, Geo. The bunnies are welcome any time. They have perfect pool etiquette.

Carrie, thank you! It's true - I do feel sorry for innertube girl. I felt guilty for getting to the point where I was ignoring her. And my sis-in-law (who lives in the same complex) told me she'd caught the same girl peering through their bedroom window. And swimming in the fountain outside their apartment. Yikes.

AzĂșcar said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
AzĂșcar said...

A. You are not a misanthrope.

B. I forget the question...

Kiki said...

Peering through your SISTER-IN-LAW'S bedroom window?! FREAKY!!! I'm so weirded out right now.

Geo said...

Someday maybe I will blog about the peeping-plus tom I caught in the act once and then chased through the dark streets of Provo.