Monday, July 17, 2006

Cosby, Cocoons, and Crevasses


As I settled into my aisle seat on American Airlines this morning, I was hoping against hope that the seat next to me would remain vacant. The stewardess had announced several times that it was a full flight (We've got a full flight today, folks, Please step out of the aisle and let people pass because we've got a full flight, This flight is full, folks, Just to let you know, folks, we've got a full flight today!), but sometimes stewardesses are wrong, like when they announce that there will be only a slight delay due to the plane's mechanical problem, and you should be off the ground shortly.

The plane doors closed, and the pony-tailed man in the window seat had just begun to rejoice at the emptiness between us when a small woman with a gigantic bag tapped me on the shoulder. As she plunked down into her seat, the pony-tailed man let out a loud, long sigh. I watched as she pulled a king-sized pillow from her luggage, followed by a neck pillow and fluffy down comforter. (Impressive, no?) When I stole a glance a minute later, only the tip of her nose was visible.

The stewardesses walked the aisles, hawking $2 headsets and $4 snack boxes. And only a small amount of ginger ale in an ice-filled cup. Free peanuts and entire cans of soda are not given out willy-nilly on this flight, folks!

I sipped my 2 ounces of ginger ale and watched 15 minutes of in-flight television. Did you know there's a museum that has a Cosby sweater collection? The sweaters that aren't displayed are stored in a climate-controlled room, and handled with reverence and gloves. Each time the museum curator held up a sweater, there was a clip of the Cosby Show with Mr. Huxtable wearing the very same sweater. My favorite sweater had fireworks and the Statue of Liberty on it. Very festive, though I wouldn't want to be wearing such a thick, wooly sweater in July. During the last Cosby clip, the cocoon next to me mumbled:

"I paid $2 to watch this crap?"

Good thing the next segment was about Paris Hilton!

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We had our mattress inspected last week. Duane the Mattress Inspector inspected it. At some point during the past six months, our mattress went from enveloping us in a cloud of fluffy softness to enveloping us in a cloud of fluffy quicksand. There are two distinct his-and-her crevasses on either side of the mattress, with a high barrier between them. I have to call out to Steve in the middle of the night just to see if he's still there! So I phoned the store, and they sent Duane. One glance was all it took for him to inform Steve that it looked bad. Real bad. We had to wait a few days while his inspection was filtered through the proper mattress channels, and I got a message yesterday saying that our mattress did not fulfill "three out of the four mattress criteria," and that we could come to the store and get "a replacement mattress of equal or greater value." Steve thinks that Duane meant to say "equal or lesser value," but I'm trusting that Duane the Mattress Inspector says what he means and means what he says. I think it's important to give people the benefit of the doubt, don't you?

4 comments:

Kiki said...

You're making me nervous about my flight tomorrow. Will strange pillow/downcomfoter woman show up as my seat companion? I'm flying to Montreal. Be jealous!

Emmie said...

I'm totally jealous!! How long will you be there? What are ya gonna do?

AzĂșcar said...

That might be the greatest deal _ever_. All hail Duane.

Kiki said...

I was there for 5 days. A friend and I bummed around Montreal and took a day trip to Quebec City. We ate lots of yummy food, including poutine and these things called queues de castor. The area was beautiful and the weather was great.