Thursday, February 26, 2009

A Tragedy in Three Acts

In Which Emmie Should Have Paid More Attention At The Store

Setting: An apartment kitchen. Cluttered. Possible post-expiration date yogurt in the fridge.

Emmie, a 30-something saucy redhead, has mixed together a delicious marinade for chicken. She places the raw chicken into a ziplock bag, and carefully pours the marinade in after it.

Suddenly, chicken-contaminated marinade begins to run all over her cluttery kitchen counter. She yelps.

Emmie: Yelp!

And grabs for another bag, her hands covered in chickeny lemon mustard goop. The new bag does nothing to help. She calls for her husband.

Emmie: Stu! There are holes in both of these ziplock bags!!

The handsome and fluffy-haired Stu comes bounding in, his ever trusty Dr. Pepper in hand. He quickly helps Emmie clean up the mess. As they try to figure out something new to eat for dinner, Emmie posits:

Emmie: What are the odds of two ziplocks both having holes? (She scrutinizes the ziplock box.) Wait a minute. What the . . . ? Ziplock Double Zipper with Moisture Vents? What are moisture vents?

She pulls out another bag. Then another. Each bag is dotted with tiny holes. She shows the box to Stu.

Stu: Why would anyone think it was a good idea to market bags with holes in them?

Emmie: I don't know. I just don't know.

In Which Emmie Shouldn't Have Hit Snooze That Second Time

Emmie stands in her bathroom, curling her saucy red hair in haste. She woke up late (well, technically she woke up on time, but then went back to sleep). Suddenly, the red hot curling iron slips from her grasp and lands on her lily white neck before hitting the ground with a crash. Emmie yelps.

Emmie: Yelp!

And looks in the mirror to see a ridiculously large red welt appear in a spot too high up for a turtleneck to disguise.

Emmie: Drat.

In Which Emmie Really Should Have Known Better

Late for work, our heroine quickly grabs some ice from the freezer and throws it into a ziplock bag before racing out the door and hopping into her car. Speeding down the freeway, she holds the frozen bag to the welt on her neck. Suddenly, she senses a river of ice water pooling at her collar and running down her sweater. Emmie yelps.

Emmie: Yelp!

And looks at the plastic bag in her hand. The bag with moisture vents.


Emmie sits at her desk. She attempts to holds a new ice pack to her neck in as discreet a manner as possible, while also trying to dry her sweater with a paper towel.

Emmie's Co-Worker: What happened to you this morning??

Emmie: A curling iron. And moisture vents.

-The Curtain Falls-


marymary said...

Look at what a fine job you've done of turning tragedy into laugh-out-loud comedy.

(Blogger is asking me to verify the word "keriongl," which under the circumstances I can't help but read as "curlingirongirl.")

dayna said...

I laughed out loud too. It reminded me of an I Love Lucy show...but modern and witty.

Stephen said...

I really like "lily white neck." Sounds like an awesome name for an 80's band. Hilarious, Em.

AzĂșcar said...

I read the first sentence of Act III and said out loud (and with the kind of emphasis that only Caps Lock can convey,) "OH NO!"

Reminds me of the curling iron burn that I got once...which is a WAY stranger story.

Annette Lyon said...

Moisture vents? What the . . .?

Blondie said...

I don't think any blog ever has made me laugh as much as this one did. Thanks for that!
I particularly enjoyed all of the "yelping"

La Yen said...

This made my day. Way to take one for the team!

Geo said...

Good show! (Sorry about your neck.)

DDT said...

Oh Em! How we love you!

Emmie said...

I'm glad you all enjoyed my play. And I hope you learned valuable lessons from it as well. After all, the purpose of theatre is to teach as well as to entertain.

compulsive writer said...

Oh come on. We all know that "curling iron burn" is just code for a little love bite.


Emmie said...

Confidential to Compulsive,

Right after it happened, I thought: "Crap. That looks just like a hickey!"

TnD said...

Girl, you are funny. You must do a sequel. Minus pain to self of course.

Anonymous said...

I am reading this on my lunch break and laughing out loud! I didn't even know they made moisture vented bags. Way to go finding them!

Katie said...

Hearing ACT I before ACT II & III had even occurred just makes this all the more hilarious. I love you Em. This should definitely be made into scene on The Office. I'm just glad you didn't burn your foot on a George Foreman Grill.

TmeggenT said...

Bravo, Em! Encore! Encore! It's good to have you back in the blogging world again! Yet, I can see your time away has been well spent.

TnD said...

In honor of your tragedy in three acts, I wrote my own. You will have to check it out.

Jannah said...

I think this is what Chekov was building up to writing

Reb said...

You are hilarious, absolutely hilarious. I love reading whatever you write!!!

Liz in New York said...

Trent and Liz say

Emmie, that is JUST what we needed to read at the beginning of this new week. I laughed my guts out and Liz says she's been checking your blog for a month waiting for the next installment!

Aaah. How would it be to be SO dang funny?! We need your humor in our lives. I bet there's Loads of stuff we could mock with you in Upstate!

Natalie said...

Moisture vents!! What on earth? why do we need 10 different kinds of ziplock? It always drives me crazy and gives me anxiety in the grocery store.

El Eff said...